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  “You can pretend to. Or just watch on jealously as I have fun.”

  “You have a warped idea of fun.”

  Drew chuckled, picking up a pencil and twirling it over two fingers. “Just wait until we get back to school, I’m going to have a blast ruining your reputation,” he said.

  “Do anything to humiliate me and I will end you, you egotistical bastard with a god complex.”

  “Hey, at least you’re getting more creative with your insults.”

  Sean sighed. These arguments, or witty banters, or whatever they could be called, came almost daily. They frustrated him to no end, but in a way they kept him alive. Or, existing at least. When deprived of physical contact, human company was the next best thing. Even if that company happened to be endlessly obnoxious.

  It had been two weeks since he’d lost his body. He knew this. He kept a tally, like the ones men carved into the trunks of trees when they had been stuck on deserted islands for days on end, except each line was scored into his sanity instead. Fifteen days, and he still had nothing. What had he been doing? Wasting time, wasting precious energy that was keeping him tied to this world. He needed to find a way to get back, but where to start? The idea was starting to sound impossible, and it was such a huge task that just thinking about it gave him an imaginary headache.

  Hayden came to visit sometime during the day. It must have been daytime because the sun was still up, but nowadays it was getting harder to tell. Day and night blended seamlessly into each other, like the woven fabric of a tapestry. Hayden was nothing like a tapestry though – he did not conform, he did not match, he did not blend in. Sean found it a relief. His brother was alive, and knowing that he was alive made him feel less dead.

  “How are you feeling?” Hayden asked, the customary greeting.

  “Better, although I miss the painkillers,” Drew mumbled. “And I’m having trouble with this work. It’s too hard.”

  “Has hell frozen over?” Hayden raised an eyebrow. “I never thought I’d see you of all people studying willingly.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m taking initiative and all that.”

  “Why start now?”

  Drew shrugged. “Can’t you just be glad I’m doing it at all and move on?”

  “I bet it Ali’s influence,” Hayden chuckled. “I knew she’d get to you in the end.”

  “Did you come for anything?” Drew asked, after a short pause.

  “Yeah, I did,” said Hayden. “Mum’s worried about you, she thinks you’ve been stuck in here too much lately. She told me to take you out today.”

  “Take me out where?”

  “I don’t know. I thought it was an okay idea though, I’ve been pretty bored since my University term finished.”

  “It’s a good thing you can drive now,” Drew admitted.

  “Yeah, I just need to save up money to buy a decent car.”

  “You’ll manage. Anyway, where do you want to go then?”

  Hayden grinned slightly. “There’s a new science exhibit with a whole section about astrology in town, but I won’t put you through that torture. I know you’d hate it.”

  “We can go there if you want,” Drew said. “Later on, though. It’d be better at night. Maybe we could go to the beach first?”

  “That’s an hour’s drive away,” Hayden pointed out, surprise in his tone. “And plus, I think it might rain soon.”

  “It’ll be better in the rain,” he insisted. “Please can we go?” Sean didn’t normally say please, especially to his brother. Nor was he so open to compromise. If Hayden wasn’t extremely suspicious of Drew by the end of the day, then he would be oblivious bordering on stupid. And he’d gotten three As in his A levels. Drew was screwed, he concluded smugly.

  “Fine,” Hayden conceded defeat with a sigh. “The beach it is. It will be an interesting experience, I guess.”

  “Thanks,” Drew smiled. “You know, for playing Chauffeur today.”

  “You owe me.”

  “Sure do.”

  Hayden shook his head. “Just get ready, pack some spare clothes, meet me outside in ten.”

  “Okay, see you.” The older boy paused at the door for a moment and stared, there was a strange look on his face. It was a mixture of something: curiosity, confusion maybe. Sean didn’t have time to analyse it, because he left soon after. Then it was just him, Drew and silence. He felt like a third wheel.

  “The beach?” Sean spoke up incredulously. “Really? I hate the beach. You obviously didn’t do all of your homework.”

  “I know you hate it,” Drew snapped. “I know I’m not doing a very good job of acting like you, either. I don’t want Hayden to find out.”

  “Then why?”

  Drew didn’t answer for a long time, moving around the room clumsily and throwing clothes and bottled water into an old backpack. Then he straightened and leaned heavily against the doorframe with a wince. “It’s been seven years since I’ve last seen the sea,” he said at last. “Just let me have this, will you?”

  The family car was old, and it smelled like must and stale air freshener with an undertone of outdated tobacco smoke. The leather seats were worn and cracked, little fissures running through the fabric that reminded him of bone-dry desert earth. He’d always hated this car. The seats squeaked noisily and the outside was getting rusty, but mum refused to buy a new one. They didn’t have the money, and Hayden confided once that she kept it partly because it reminded her of their father. Hayden explained that the man used to smoke in here occasionally, when he was still around, and tried to cover up the smell later, which explained the car’s strange odour. This smell, a fossil of a recent history, was the only thing Sean knew about his father.

  Hayden was unusually cheerful. He switched on the radio as they turned onto the motorway, the M25, and hummed along to the music. “Don’t get too carried away,” Drew warned in a joking manner. “We don’t want to crash.”

  “Lighten up,” the elder grinned. “We don’t hang out often, so don’t ruin it by nagging me.” Drew just sighed, leaned his head back and closed his eyes, deciding to drop the matter and just enjoy the ride. Sean, on the other hand, took the opportunity to phase his head out of the roof of the car and, even though he couldn’t feel the wind on his face, screamed as loudly as he could. Because he still could. It was something he’d never be able to do while he was still human.

  Hayden was right. By the time they arrived at the deserted beach, it was drizzling and the sky was shadowed by dark clouds. The sand was polka-dotted with damp patches, and the sound of the rushing sea was ominous. Small waves crashed into the bank, one after another, continuous. Neither Hayden nor Drew seemed to mind though and set up camp on a drier patch, dumping their stuff down as Sean watched warily. “I’m going into the sea,” Drew announced, although he made no move to take his clothes off.

  “You’re injuries still aren’t completely healed,” Hayden frowned. “I don’t think you should.”

  “Don’t you dare damage my body more than you have,” Sean added angrily.

  “I’m fine, really. I’ll take it easy.”

  Hayden sighed. “If you’re sure, but not too long.”

  “Now who needs to lighten up,” Drew laughed, and the grin on his face seemed real, for once. His eyes were lighter. “If you’re so worried, why don’t you just come in with me?”

  “I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”

  “Then just come in your clothes, we have spares.”

  Hayden agreed reluctantly, and Drew smiled again in triumph, leading the way into the surf. They both waded into the sea until it reached their hips, and then Drew took a dive and disappeared under the white foam. Sean watched from the bank, and felt a deep ache resurface. The scene was so familiar, but also so wrong. It reminded him of that picture he’d seen, the one taped to Hayden’s ceiling, and the memory he had forgotten of the two of them playing at the shore together when they were young. He always thought that the next time it would still be him.

&nb
sp; He heard a laugh drift from where Hayden’s head bobbed up and down with the waves, and Drew could be seen trying to float on his back. It was probably hurting him physically, but he didn’t show it. He looked too happy. The ache Sean felt intensified with longing; he didn’t hate beaches anymore he decided, he wanted to be there. He wanted to be surrounded by the sea and be happy and alive like Drew was. Carefully he waded into the water himself, but he couldn’t feel it. Like he had expected. What gave him the stupid hope that things would suddenly reverse just because he wanted them to?

  They came out twenty minutes later, both shivering and with blue lips. Their clothes were plastered to their bodies and Hayden made a mad dash for the towels, reaching them first and draping one over his little brother. Sean scowled: Hayden had never shown that sort of affection towards him. What was suddenly different? They changed quickly, both smiling still. It was nauseating. “I’m glad you suggested this,” Hayden said. “I feel like a kid, but in a good way.”

  “Me too,” Drew agreed. “Although I think we’re both going to have colds next week.”

  “Worth it, though.”

  “Gods, I’m freezing,” Drew complained. “Let’s go to a restaurant and eat something, I’m hungry as well.”

  “No surprise there,” Hayden chuckled, but obliged anyway. When did Hayden ever listen to him like that?

  They went to a pub, and ordered fish and chips and beer. “It’s what you’re supposed to have when you come to the seaside,” Hayden explained, stabbing at a chip and devouring it.

  “I know,” said Drew. “When was the last time we came?”

  “Years ago. Five, maybe, I’m not sure.”

  There was a pause for a moment, and Drew fiddled with his fork and stared down at his plate. “Not since dad left, right?” he asked quietly. Sean gave a start in surprise at the mention of his father, wondering why Drew would ask about something like that. He listened avidly for Hayden’s answer though; maybe this time would be different. Maybe something would slip out, while he was on a happy high and caught unaware.

  “You’re right,” Hayden murmured softly, finally. “It’s been a while.”

  “Did he take us here often?”

  “He worked a lot; he didn’t have much spare time. But we came here twice a year, maybe, for a barbeque on the beach.”

  “That sounds nice,” Drew said wistfully, so wistful that Sean had to wonder if he was still acting or not.

  “Yeah,” Hayden agreed. “Dad always liked the sea. Said it was calming and natural, he liked things that were calm.”

  “Do you miss him?” Drew asked suddenly, eyes sparking slightly with some unidentifiable emotion.

  Hayden seemed uncomfortable with the question, and Sean didn’t blame him. “No,” he said bluntly. “I don’t care about him anymore, not since he left.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.”

  “You do, though,” Drew persisted.

  “Why do you think that?” Hayden snapped, irritated now.

  “Because,” and a sad smile grew on the other’s face. “You still call him dad.”

  And Sean realised too. Dad was different from Father. Father only implied a blood relation, while Dad was a term of endearment. Subtle differences, but in this case those differences were like chasms.

  By the time they arrived home, it was late. Late and dark. They’d gone to the Astrology exhibit, because Drew had promised, and Sean didn’t find it so bad. He could see why Hayden found the stars so fascinating: they really were enchanting when you took the time to think about them. They were mystical objects, so far out of reach, so alien to the monotony of this life. He’d hoped that there would be some sort of psychology exhibit as well, something paranormal, anything that would help him. He was disappointed though because by the end of the evening the problem of getting his body back was still as looming and menacing as ever.

  “We’re home pretty late, so actually get some sleep tonight Sean,” Hayden advised while they sat in the car, in the driveway, in the dark. “I didn’t want to say so earlier, but you look like shit.”

  “You always look like shit,” Drew countered. “And it’s kinda hypocritical, telling me to sleep.”

  Hayden shrugged. “I’m not the one who almost died three weeks ago.”

  “So?”

  “You’re being stubborn again,” the elder sighed. “And I…I guess I’m worried, okay?” He paused for a moment, as if hesitant about continuing. “You know, there’s something different about you.” Sean noticed Drew’s shoulders tense.

  “What’s different?” he asked, obviously feigning nonchalance.

  “I’m not sure, but you seem…happier than before.” Everyone seemed to be saying that lately, Sean grouched to himself. Had he really been that miserable?

  “Isn’t that a good thing?” Drew asked.

  “Yeah,” Hayden sighed, but his voice was wary. “It’s just surprising, that’s all.”

  “Oh.”

  “You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

  Drew let out a derisive laugh. “Please don’t start with all of that ‘you can always talk to me, I’ll always be there for you’ crap. You know I hate it. ”

  “I won’t,” Hayden muttered. “It makes me uncomfortable as well. What you said before, about the dreams…I just need to know that if something was wrong, you’d tell me. I need to know that you trust me.” Sean wasn’t sure whether to be touched or surprised; this was probably the most emotional he’d ever seen his brother.

  Drew was quiet for a while. “Okay,” he said at last. “I trust you with my life, so don’t worry about me. Is that good enough?”

  “Yeah,” Hayden smiled in relief. “That’s just fine.” Sean wanted to laugh. He was so tempted to burst out into hysterical, maniacal laughter, because it was all so ironic. Hayden didn’t understand the truth behind those words, the inside joke. He did though, he understood perfectly. How could you trust someone with your life when you were already dead?

  “You’re sick,” Sean said, later on, when he was alone with Drew again in his room. “Saying something like that, just to spite me.”

  “I didn’t say it to spite you,” Drew shrugged. “I just have a sense of humour.”

  “You are twisted.”

  “So are most people, aren’t they? You can hardly blame me. Dying is pretty traumatic.”

  Sean sighed in defeat. “Why did you ask about my father today?”

  “I was trying to do you a favour,” Drew admitted. “I figure it must be pretty hard, not even being able to remember the man.”

  “I never thought you were capable of being so sensitive,” Sean mocked, although he was inwardly surprised.

  “Yeah, well, I have my moments.”

  “Why do you even care?”

  “I never wanted to purposely hurt you by doing this, you know. I just thought I’d try and make it a bit easier.”

  “That still doesn’t make you any less of a prick,” Sean deadpanned.

  A smile tugged at the edges of Drew’s lips. “Thank god,” he said. “I thought you were going to thank me then.”

  “Never going to happen,” Sean assured him. “Not in my lifetime, anyway.”

  “Don’t you mean death-time?”

  “You really need to stop with the death puns.”

  Drew just laughed, and it didn’t sound hollow. It sounded real. “Whatever, jerk, I’m going to go shower,” he said.

  As the door shut and the water started, Sean smiled to himself. It was stupid, really, he had nothing to smile about. Except that today had been good because he’d learnt something, no matter how insignificant, that made him feel less empty: he’d had a father once who liked the sea.

  At that moment, Sean’s head felt like one, large beehive. There really wasn’t many better ways of describing the sensation. It wasn’t unpleasant, just confusing. A hundred, imaginary bees buzzed in his ears and fluttered around in the limited space. So many questions, pro
blems, thoughts, emotions. He would need his own mental library – and a mental secretary as well – to file them all away into categories.

  “Hey, are you feeling okay?” Drew returned to the room with breakfast, a bowl of a sloppy oatmeal substance, and yet another text book. “You know, you look like the living dead.” He laughed at his own joke, obviously the death puns wouldn’t get old anytime soon.

  It was the next day, and Sean felt like he had a hypothetical hangover. He’d had a whole night to mull it over, get himself worked up, and now the fears and questions were making him crazy. He let out an unhappy sigh. “How can you be so relaxed about everything? And don’t eat that mush around me, please. I’m feeling queasy.”

  “Stop being prissy,” Drew rolled his eyes. “You can’t feel sick. So suck it up, your whining is giving me a migraine.”

  “Good.”

  “Whatever.” Drew flipped open the text book and started reading casually while slurping up the grey oatmeal pulp. “If you’re so restless, why don’t you go outside? Just leave me alone, please.”

  “Don’t you think I have more important things to worry about right now?” Sean glared, pacing incessantly across the room. “Anyway, you go back to my school in three days. I’m surprised you’re not more worried.”

  “Why should I be? They’re not going to figure anything out. They’re all too stupid, the pricks who go there.”

  “You’re really a bastard, you know, thinking you’re so superior to everyone.”

  “I never said I was better than them, just that they happen to be stupid. Which is true.” Drew paused thoughtfully, continuing: “although, your brother is a bit different. He could be a problem.”

  “He already knows there’s something up,” Sean said. “How could he not, after yesterday? I bet it’s only a matter of time until he finds out.”

  “Do you really want him to find out?” Drew had long since given up on his casual act and was now watching Sean with a serious expression, eyes strangely empathetic. “You know if he finds out, he’ll tell people. He won’t keep it to himself. He might try and help you, but he wouldn’t know how.” Drew suddenly laughed. “I wonder if he would try to have me exorcised.”