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  Chapter 17

  : Why does it always seem to rain on us?

  Sean was eleven years old again, and it was raining. They were standing on a street curb, the joint between the pavement and the road. The older boy beside him was running a hand through his damp hair and frowning but his eyes, a unique shade of brown that bordered on burgundy, were thoughtful. “So what do you want to do?” he asked.

  “I don’t know, something interesting,” Sean snapped.

  “Yeah, that narrows it down a lot.” The older boy sighed, then muttered to himself: “I’m so not cut out for this sort of thing. Hell, I can’t even keep a goldfish alive for a day let alone a mood swing prone child.”

  “What was that you just said?” Sean had heard the whole thing, of course, but wisely chose not to comment on it. It wouldn’t do to scare away yet another ‘babysitter’. And he actually quite liked this one. Drew. That was his name. Sean didn’t know how he knew this, had he even introduced himself yet?

  “Err, nothing. So do you want to like, eat or something?”

  “No.”

  “Right, I’ll get you some coffee then?”

  “I’m not a dog that you can just feed and leave to its own devices, you know.”

  They ended up in Starbucks either way – Sean’s choice. Drew didn’t seem happy about the inflated prices but grudgingly bought two coffees and secured a table near the window. “They’ll probably kick us out eventually for getting their seats wet,” Sean muttered. Neither of them said anything else for a while, simply drank their coffees and watched the world outside dissolve into a hundred raindrops splattered across meticulously-cleaned glass.

  “So, erm, what sort of weather do you like?” Drew asked.

  “Are you serious?”

  “I just thought we could get to know each other a little better, you know, and bond or something.”

  “You want to bond? Over the weather?”

  “This conversation sounded a whole lot less stupid in my head.”

  “You’re creepy.”

  Unfortunately Drew seemed adamant to continue the extremely awkward conversation. “So, are you a cat person or a dog person?”

  “Neither. I hate animals.”

  “Right, that’s cheerful. How about football? Most kids seem to love that game.”

  “I’m not a kid, don’t patronise me.”

  “Yes you are-” Slurp. Sean poured the remainder of his coffee into Drew’s unruly hair. The other boy squawked in surprise, attracting the attention of the majority of the room, and the two were promptly kicked out back into the rain where they started from.

  Drew wasn’t really angry, something Sean couldn’t understand. He was a little pissed, yes, but so would anyone if they had just had coffee poured over them. Sean was disappointed by the lack of an angry outburst, but Drew remained optimistic despite the weather and led him to the local park. His reasoning was that they were already soaking, so staying out in the rain wouldn’t matter. And, as if just to spite Sean, they went to a children’s playground. On second thoughts, Sean was pretty sure it was deliberately just to spite him. He’d been planning on throwing a tantrum, ranting loudly and storming off on his own, but Drew stopped him with a roll of his eyes.

  “Just shut up and enjoy it, okay?” he said. “Maybe you don’t like being a kid, but I would swap places with you any day.”

  He went and sat down on one of the swings and pushed off, flicking his legs up and aiming higher each time. Sean watched for a little while, and then hesitantly joined him on the swing beside his, doing the same. Soon the two fell into a rhythm and the pounding clatter of the rain on the tarmac dimmed a little. Drew bravely flung himself off the seat at the swing’s highest point and parachuted through the air with a gleeful yell, landing crouched. Sean quickly followed and couldn’t help but grin at the feeling. He felt free. The park was empty; it was just him and Drew and there was no one else to watch with careful eyes or complain that they were being childish.

  They both lay down on the tarmac, breathing heavily and staring up at the morose grey sky silently for a long time. “I like the rain,” Sean finally said quietly. “You asked me what sort of weather I like, so there’s the answer. I like the rain the best.”

  Drew turned to give him a wry smile. “Me too.”

  Sean smiled, shaking his head at the strange memory. “The rain, huh?” he muttered to himself, knowing no one would hear. “Well, you always were a bit depressing. Not that I can talk.” His shook his head ruefully at the irony of it all. Two weeks ago they had been discussing how Drew was going to give him a proper funeral after he faded out, and now here he was, standing at Drew’s grave and reminiscing in that same damn rain that seemed to follow the two of them everywhere.

  He had been released that day from the hospital, on the condition that he ‘took it easy’ and ‘rested as much as possible’. Heh. Stupid doctors should have known better. They’d told him that something had triggered the return of his memories as well, and that they would come back slowly one at time. The worst part was that his mother had put him on ‘suicide watch’, but it wasn’t like she could really stop him from going anywhere he wanted. He’d learnt well how to sneak out without attracting attention. Hayden had actually been the one who suggested that he come here, telling him which bus to get and where in the graveyard he would find Drew’s grave. He’d offered to come as well, but Sean refused. He didn’t trust himself not to break.

  The gravestone was made out of marble. Most people didn’t get buried, they were just cremated, but Drew’s parents must have requested it. He’d died a hero. He deserved it. Sean briefly remembered him saying that people who were cremated didn’t become Imprints, followed by some explanation he’d never understand. It didn’t matter anymore. The stupid inscription on the gravestone was probably carved there by some ignorant fool who had never even known Drew. It had the dates, the name, and then the typical pleasantries that people wrote to remember the dead – ‘dearly missed son’ etc. The words seemed to be mocking him. They were dead words; they didn’t describe Drew at all. Drew was fiery, cynical, sarcastic, aggravating, temperamental, selfish and at the same time so selfless that it was painful.

  Someone had left flowers on the grave. They were pink and yellow, too cheerful to fit in with the dismal scenery. They were also fresh, and Sean wondered if Ali had left them there. He briefly wondered if he should have brought flowers as well, but the thought was quickly squashed. He knew Drew wouldn’t have appreciated it. “Why would I want flowers? They’re pathetic things that die even quicker than humans,” he’d probably say. Death had made him such a cynic. Still, Sean had brought something else instead for the grave. He pulled out a small package from his pocket containing a pair of blue contact lenses – they were really the only evidence left of Drew now. Sean would keep the spare pair as a souvenir of sorts, and he would give this pair back. He placed them next to the flowers.

  There was something else in his pocket he’d almost forgotten about though. He pulled out the envelope and ran his fingers around the edges, apprehensive. It was his very last link to Drew, and he felt like once he had finished reading it he’d have nothing left of him. That’s why he had been saving it, for when he really needed it. He could just imagine Drew staying up late one night before he came back and penning the letter carefully with a smirk on his face, all the while knowing he only had a few days left. He ripped the envelope open, unfolded the letter, and began to read the surprisingly neat handwriting.

  Dear Sean,

  It’s 11.23 pm right now, and I’m hoping you’ll come back late tonight so I’ll have more time to write this letter. If you’re reading this, then everything I planned from the very beginning must have worked out. You must be back in your body, and I’m probably already gone. I hope I had the chance to explain the majority of it to you in person, but I had to write this letter because, well, you know I’m not the most sensitive person and some things are just easier to write down than s
ay to your face. See? I’m a coward really.

  I’ll start with the easier things first; that I’m sorry I never told you the truth in the beginning, I’m sorry I’ve probably made your life miserable these past months, I’m sorry I always make you angry. It’s true you’re a spoilt brat, but on the inside you’re not as big of an idiot as I originally thought. That’s as close to a compliment as you’re going to get.

  I don’t really know how you’re handling the whole I-died-saving-your-life thing, but I hope you’re not feeling too guilty. You’d better not go suicidal or anything, or else I’m sure Ali will hurt you in my place. I could probably say it a thousand times more and it wouldn’t make a difference, but I want you to know that I don’t blame you and nor do I regret anything. We all die at some point no matter what we do, and think of it as a good thing that I got to die as a hero instead of some miserable old man in a smelly hospital bed.

  Right, I’m running out of waffle to write about now, so I guess I should just get on with it and tell you the real reason I wrote this letter. You see, there is one more thing that I kept secret from you. I never actually planned all of this on my own. Sure, most of it was my idea, but I wasn’t knowledgeable enough to perform the soul swap without Brian’s help. Well, his name’s not really Brian. That was just a cover up so you wouldn’t figure out his identity, but I’ll make it easier for you. His real name is Jacob Lane; your father.

  Penny isn’t related to him by blood. You’re probably angry that he didn’t tell you and I don’t blame you if you are, but I know he’s a good person. He helped me cope after I died, and he’s probably one of the reasons why I managed to stay mostly sane. He agreed with my plan to swap places with you, and I think he wanted to use the chance to get to know you as well. It was probably hard for him, watching you all that time and knowing that you didn’t even remember who he was. I tried to convince him to tell you the truth while he had the chance, but he refused. Maybe he thought you’d be happier not knowing. Maybe he was just scared of getting too close knowing that he only had a short time with you. I don’t know his reasons, but he asked me not to tell you either. I have anyway because I think you have a right to know.

  I don’t know why he left your family, so I’m sorry I can’t fill in all the blanks. I tried talking to him about it but he never would explain. Maybe you already know more than I do about that. He does love you, though, and he cares a lot about you. I know you can’t remember him, but he’s always been there, watching over you. Unfortunately he, and Penny, will probably be gone by the time you read this. The only reason the three of us stayed as long as we did was to put you on the right track so that you could live the life that we couldn’t. Now that everything’s done, we’ll just move on I guess. I don’t know where to, or if there even is anything after the afterlife, but I like to think that we don’t live and die for nothing.

  Your time will come too, one day. I guess you know now that death isn’t something to fear though, and it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. I know it’s hard but try your best to be happy while you can. Keep moving forwards. That’s all we can do really, isn’t it? Don’t you dare let my death be in vain. Who knows, maybe it will all pay off in the end. I think that’s about all I have to say, and you’re going to come back soon so I should end this letter.

  Goodbye, Sean, but only for now. I know we will meet again someday.

  Always,

  Drew

  He felt like laughing. Maybe he was laughing and it was just being drowned out by the sound of the rain, he couldn’t tell. The situation was utterly stupid, ridiculous, laughable, and yet at the same time so painful. He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t guessed earlier that Brian – no, Jacob was his real name – was actually his father. There had been so many clues. The way Brian/Jacob had always looked at him with something deeper than just friendly concern in his eyes, the déjà vu feeling, the familiarity, the exact shade of his blue eyes that matched his own.

  He hadn’t just told Sean the story of his life that night out of boredom; he had been explaining to him why he had left them. Justifying what he had done, asking for forgiveness. It all fit. How he felt secure around him. Brian’s strange respect and admiration for Drew. Hayden reminiscing about family trips to the beach, how their father had loved the sea. Now Sean understood why. He wondered if his father had meant for him to figure it out himself – he had certainly dropped enough hints that night they had talked. He felt like an idiot for not realising, when the truth had been right in front of his eyes.

  “That’s just like you, idiot,” he muttered darkly to the sky, and he wasn’t sure if he was talking to Drew or his father or maybe both. “You tell me something important, and then you just up and leave.” He shook his head, damp hair plastered to his face, and sighed. Thinking about Brian/Jacob confused him and made him angry as well. What a shit of a father, thinking that he was being noble by leaving them to go and die alone. And then staying behind all those years waiting to talk to him, and when he finally had the chance not even having the courage to tell him who he was. What an idiotic, noble coward. ‘Maybe I’m being too hard on the man’ Sean wondered guiltily. After all he’d only wanted to make things easier for them, even if Sean disagreed with his choice. Or maybe he was just going mad, talking to people who were long gone in an empty graveyard.

  Everything still seemed rather surreal, but he felt like he should mourn the man. Maybe not as his father, because he still hadn’t really accepted this new revelation, but at least as a friend. So he allowed his legs to crumple beneath him, knelt in the sodden grass, and let the rain cry for him.

  Epilogue

  Five months later

  “I’m free,” Sean declared with a bright grin as he ambled out of the large building to meet Ali on the steps. She was dressed in a light blouse and shorts, the red fading out of her hair. This coming summer would be even hotter than the last.

  “That’s great, Sean. How did your last session go?”

  “Doc gave me some soppy speech about how I’ve ‘improved so much’ blah blah blah,” Sean chuckled, rubbing his head sheepishly. “He looked so proud, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he really didn’t help me at all.” Sean had found therapy hell. It had been hard to make up reasons for his ‘attempted suicide’ while keeping the real reasons secret. He also didn’t appreciate anyone who was paid to try and get inside his head.

  “Well, it’s not like you’ll ever have to see him again so don’t complain,” Ali said, grabbing his hand and beginning to lead him away from the town council building where the therapy sessions took place. “You’re really going to have to work hard to catch up in school, you know. Our exams are coming up soon.”

  Sean rolled his eyes. “You’re so depressing. I’ve just finished five months of torture and you’re talking about exams already.”

  “You’re the one who had therapy for being depressed in the first place.”

  “You know that’s not true,” he countered, then continued hesitantly: “but you will start tutoring me again, won’t you?”

  “Yes,” she sighed in exasperation. “You know you’d fail at life without me.”

  “True, which is why I agreed to buy you lunch today. Are you up for pizza?”

  She hesitated, as if she wanted to say no, but then relented with a smile. “Okay, lunch is your choice as long as you let me drive us there.”

  “I still can’t believe you got your driver’s license before me,” Sean frowned, shaking his head. “It’s kind of embarrassing getting driven around everywhere by a girl.”

  “Would you rather walk?”

  “No,” he admitted sullenly. “Come on, where’d you park the car? I’m starving.”

  “Just over there.” She began to walk towards the pedestrian crossing, but Sean paused for a few moments in front of the building with an odd look on his face. She doubled back and, noticing his expression, grasped his hand. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Nothing
,” he sighed, and there was a weary smile on his face. “It just feels so strange, how much things can change in five months. It’s almost like he never existed at all.”

  “If he didn’t, you wouldn’t be here,” Ali said. “I’m sure he would have been happy for you, if he was here right now.”

  “I know, I just don’t want to forget about him this time.”

  “You won’t. And if you do, I’ll remind you.”

  “You think about him sometimes too though, don’t you?” Sean asked her. “I still hate that I’m the reason he suffered for all those years, that he’s gone now. Just because he thought I was worth saving.”

  “You are worth saving. And how do you know he’s really gone?” Ali shrugged. “When people die, everyone else thinks they’re gone forever. But the truth is that their spirits are still there, just invisible. Maybe it’s the same this time. Maybe he’s still around in another form, and we just can’t see it.”

  He mulled over her words thoughtfully. “It’s a nice thought, that he’s still out there somewhere.”

  “There’s no point in dwelling on it though,” Ali added softly, and squeezed his hand a little tighter in some silent gesture of comfort. “What happened is in the past now, and we still have the future to think about.”

  “I know,” he said. “It’s time to move on.”

  It was time to move on. But moving on didn’t necessarily mean to forget, just to accept what had happened and carry those memories with him until one day, when they didn’t hurt as much he would be able to look back on them and be glad he had them. But for the moment, he’d do his best at really living this time. He’d store away the guilt somewhere and use it as motivation instead.

  But even as he walked away from the building, he thought he saw a flash of something. It was only for an instant and it made him wonder if it was just his imagination after all: a young Alsatian puppy hidden in the shadows of a deserted alleyway with those same, burgundy eyes.