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  “Yeah, it is,” Sean agreed, and for the first time in a very long time, he actually felt content. It was as though an extremely heavy metaphorical weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

  “You should go back now, before Drew wakes up,” Brian said.

  “I will. And…thank you, for telling me everything.” Sean stood up, and was about to walk away, before hesitating. “There was one more thing I wanted to ask you, though, that I didn’t have a chance to.”

  “What is it?”

  Sean shuffled awkwardly, feeling slightly nervous. “Did you ever meet my father? His name was Jacob Lane. I was just wondering if he was dead or not, and he used to live around this area…”

  Brian stiffened for a moment. “Nope, sorry kid,” he shrugged. “Never met him. He’s probably still alive.”

  Sean sighed. “Well, that’s a good thing I guess. Thanks anyway. Bye.”

  It was on the way back to his house, walking along the dimly lit streets, that Sean began to think of his father. It was an odd thing to think about, considering how hard he had tried to repress thoughts concerning the man. He couldn’t remember his father at all, as he’d left before the amnesia. He’d been cut out of all the family photos. It was his father leaving, as well as his amnesia, that had caused his mother to start drinking. And from then on, everything went downhill.

  Truthfully Sean didn’t even know what he looked like, and before he didn’t especially care. All he knew was his name, so why should he care? He’d left their family, and for that Sean tried to hate him. It was hard to hate a stranger he’d never met, but sometimes he’d had dreams where he saw a silhouette of his father’s back walking out of the front door, out of their lives. Perhaps the reason he liked Brian was because he too understood the betrayal he felt. Brian had done the betraying himself to his own children, but that was different. Brian had tried to do something noble; what he thought best at the time.

  Now that it was very likely that his father was still alive and out there somewhere, Sean couldn’t help but think about him. Why had he left in the first place? Had he started a new family? Would he ever come back? The questions and thoughts pummelled against his skull until Sean, with a frustrated sigh, had to force his mind blank and concentrate on thinking about the imminent crap weather instead. Anything except for a pair of familiar blue eyes that Sean somehow knew belonged to a man he couldn’t remember.

  By the time he reached his room, Drew was already wide awake, dressed, and sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked up when Sean entered, and there was apprehension flashing clearly in his eyes. They were circled by dark bruises, as if he hadn’t slept all night.

  “What happened?” Sean asked instinctively, a feeling of unease enveloping him, all previous thoughts concerning his father evaporating quickly. Something was wrong. He could see it in the tenseness of the boy’s shoulders, the way his back was hunched and the worry etched onto his face.

  Drew shot him a single glance, then bit his lip. “It’s Hayden. He’s gone.”

  Chapter 13: You and your shadow are made the same way

  “He’s gone? What do mean he’s gone?”

  For once, Drew’s normal mask of casual indifference had fallen, to reveal the worry beneath. “He didn’t come back last night. He’s still not back, and no one knows where he is. Your mother’s really worried, she’s going to phone the police if he doesn’t come back by tonight.”

  Sean blinked, trying to clear his thoughts. So much had happened recently that he had honestly forgotten about his brother, which he now realised was a mistake. “He always comes back by morning,” he murmured quietly. “There’s something wrong.”

  “No shit,” Drew bit back.

  Sean ignored the sarcasm, putting aside his anger momentarily. Getting Drew pissed at him would not help the situation. “Where did he say he was going out last night?” he asked. “You must have been here when he left.”

  “He didn’t say, just walked out the door.”

  “Was there anything different about him?”

  “He…he had this strange look in his eyes. Like, he wasn’t really seeing anything except whatever it was he was thinking about.”

  “And you didn’t think to stop him?”

  “Like he would have listened to me.” Drew paused, then continued anxiously: “I…think he might know something, Sean. It worries me, what he would do if he found out.”

  “I doubt he would come to that conclusion just because he’s suspicious of you.”

  “Maybe,” Drew agreed. “But he could come to a worse one.”

  Sean tried not to think about that thought. “Do you think he’s been taken?”

  “It’s a possibility.”

  “We need to find him,” Sean clarified, unwilling to hear any more of the other boy’s dire theories.

  “You’ll have to do it yourself,” Drew shrugged. “I wouldn’t know where to look. And besides, I have to go to school.”

  “Can’t you just skip for the day and search for him?”

  “I’m trying to not rouse suspicion here. And I would probably just cause more problems by playing truant.” Drew smiled rather sardonically. “Guess you’re on your own, Sean. Just don’t stray too far, or you’ll only sap your energy quicker.”

  Sean narrowed his eyes. “Do anything stupid behind my back while I’m gone, and you’re as good as dead.”

  “As if I’m not already,” came the sarcastic reply.

  It was an hour later, and Sean had no idea where to look. Drew had left for school immediately after their conversation, and would be of no help. So he was on his own, wandering aimlessly down unknown roads, and to make matters worse it had started to drizzle. He hated it when it rained; it only made him wish that he could feel it on his face, drenching his hair, saturating his clothes with cold water. He shook his head in irritation. Stop with the sulking, he reminded himself, you don’t have time to wallow in angst right now. Think. Think. Think. Where would be the one place Hayden would go?

  He tried every gothic back alley he could find, the various pubs littered around the town, the park. He even tried an abandoned warehouse that Hayden used to take refuge in sometimes. All the while the drizzle worsened until it was downright pouring, the fat raindrops clattering loudly on the pavement like the gallop of a hundred pairs of hooves. By the time Sean scoured every single public building in the whole area it had started to get dark and the rain had turned to hail. It was nearing the end of November, and like the golden leaves fading into dull brown autumn was fading into winter.

  He was about to give up when he remembered the library. He happened to be passing it and stopped, staring at the decrepit old building in interest. He had skipped over it in his search, but now he wondered if this might be where Hayden had been hiding out all day. It was possible. His brother loved books and devoured literature at a disturbing rate, five at a time usually, how had he even managed to skip the library? He should have gone there first. He ran up the steps, and passed straight through the door into the dusty interior. Two librarians worked at the desk, but otherwise there was no one else.

  He sped past the first blockade of bookshelves, and delved deeper into the columns and walls of novels, navigating tables and desks in the makeshift maze. There was a musty odour in the air that screamed of neglect, and the curtains were frayed and moth eaten. The library was bigger than Sean ever remembered. How long since he’d come here himself? Years, maybe.

  He finally found him, and with this came a surge of relief. Hayden was situated in the furthest corner, right at the back, slumped in a small chair under a grimy window. His face was veiled by shadows but even so his over-bright eyes stood out, bloodshot from exhaustion. A book was propped open on his knee and he was bent over it, muttering furiously to himself under his breath. Sean lent in closer, trying to catch what he was saying.

  “No, No…this isn’t right. This isn’t what I’m looking for, still not enough.” Sean tried to patch the phrases together, but t
hey made no sense. What was he looking for? He bent down to try and see the front cover of the book, and froze. It was an old book, older than he had ever seen with binding that was barely intact, faded text and a worn leather cover. But it was the book’s title that caught his attention: ‘On the many different aspects of the human soul’.

  Reading over his brother’s shoulder, Sean couldn’t help but hold his breath: Post mortuum, it said clearly. After death. Quickly he skimmed through the two page spread, picking out the important parts.

  ‘There have been those who have said that after the death of the body, the soul can continue to live on for an unknown length of time with no mortal container…it is the belief of the ancient race of the Druids that after death a soul can cross from one to another when the host has been significantly weakened both mentally and physically…a soul inhabiting a body not of its own may retain some of its original features.’

  Not all of it was relevant, but the bits that were relevant were surprisingly accurate. How much did Hayden already know? Sean noticed two piles of books on the floor next to the chair, and knew their titles would all be similar. One pile was drastically smaller than the other and looked like the pile Hayden had already read, while the other unread pile was much larger. To anyone else they might just seem like stupid medieval beliefs, but Sean knew that his brother was the one person who would believe them. Hayden might even work it out. Then what? Surely Hayden would try to save him, right? Hayden was supposed to be his brother, there was supposed to be trust between them.

  Think. Think. Theories, ideas, ‘what ifs’ flashed through his head. Think. Don’t stop to reflect, or muse, or mull over, or consider. Think. It hadn’t always been like this, him trying to keep Hayden locked out. There was a time when they would talk properly; tell each other things under the cover of darkness. Because trust was like hydrogen bonds: coming together and breaking over and over again, reusable, indispensable. It was still there somewhere, and Sean was so tired of this loneliness. This was his only chance: Drew was not here to witness anything and he would have no proof that Sean had exposed the secret.

  If his heart could still beat, Sean knew that it would be ramming itself against his ribs like a caged animal. A myriad of emotions threatened to overcome him: sadness, relief, but most of all fear. It clawed at his mind relentlessly as he reached towards his brother’s shoulder. One movement, just a simple touch, and he could change everything. For better or worse was still to be determined.

  He was a metre away. Now half a metre. Now bare millimetres. He focused, feeling the familiar surge of power and strength shooting through his fingertips. It felt like having a pulse in his hand, as though his hand was a living entity while the rest of him remained cold. He let the feeling of power take over, hoping it would give him the courage to just stretch a little further…

  But he couldn’t. His hand froze, as if there was an invisible barrier separating his fingers from the smooth leather of his brother’s jacket. Then he retracted his hand and let the power dissolve, the mental strain he felt immediately disappearing. In the end, he was a coward. The fear had taken over at the last second. He realised he just couldn’t do it. He convinced himself that it was because he didn’t want Hayden to be involved, that he didn’t want his brother to be hurt because of him. Lie. The truth was that he just didn’t trust Hayden enough, he didn’t trust anyone enough, and that was the real reason why he had always been alone.

  Sean left before he could change his mind, more conflicted than ever. Seeing his brother only made it worse. He made it back to the house in less than fifteen minutes, having run all the way as he couldn’t physically tire out. There were advantages to not having a body. It was dark by now as school had finished hours ago. Only two lights were on in the house, the living room one and his bedroom. He walked through the door, to see his mother pacing the hall with a distraught look on her face. He noticed her hands were trembling and there were tear stains streaked down her cheeks. He stopped for a moment and his gaze softened as he watched her. He had never given her much credit as a mother, but when it came down to it she really did care.

  When he practically fell through the door to his bedroom, it was to the smell of alcohol and the sight of Drew sitting with his head cradled in his hands.

  “Have you been drinking?” was Sean’s first instinctive question, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

  Drew looked up, and there were shadows in his eyes that Sean recognised but couldn’t pinpoint. “No,” came the slightly slurred reply. “Well, a little. But I’m not drunk.”

  Sean crossed over to the bed. “You’d better not be,” he hissed. “Then again, if you die from liver disease, I guess you can just steal someone else’s body again. Right?”

  The vacant expression on Drew’s face lifted a little, the haze in his eyes dissipating. “Did you find Hayden?”

  “Yes. He’s been at the library, researching for two days straight.”

  “Well, at least he wasn’t kidnapped. What was he researching?”

  “Souls, spirits, the afterlife, you get the idea.”

  Drew ran a hand across his face tiredly. “I thought he would figure something out soon,” he admitted, voice hoarse. “How much does he know?”

  “I’m not sure,” Sean muttered. “But you’d be surprised, how accurate some of those old superstitions are.”

  “What did you do?”

  “Nothing.” The word came out rushed, panicked.

  “He suspects us,” Drew said, completely overlooking Sean’s lie which he was grateful for. “I think he’s suspected for a while now; it’s only a matter of time until he finds out. He’s too smart for his own good.” And then he started to laugh. But it wasn’t open, cheerful laughter. It was giddy, almost hysterical, a hollow sound that exuded an aura of panic.

  “What’s so funny?” Sean demanded.

  Drew shook his head, quietening. “Nothing.”

  “You really are drunk, aren’t you?”

  “No, I just needed a reason to laugh, while I still can. This is where the game starts to get complicated, Sean.”

  “Game?” Sean repeated in disbelief. “Is that all this is to you? Are all of our lives – mine, Ali’s, Hayden’s – just pieces you can move around to suit your own needs?”

  “Everything’s a game, Sean. Life, death; there’s always a winner and a loser in the end.” Drew stood up abruptly, swayed, almost fell over, and then caught himself on the bed. “I’m going downstairs to tell your mother that Hayden’s safe so she doesn’t call the police.” He almost made it to the door until he doubled back. Sean realised that he had forgotten his contact lenses, and his eyes shone their natural dark colour.

  “You’re being even more reckless than usual,” Sean commented airily, watching Drew as he pushed the blue lenses in. “It’s as if you want someone to find out.”

  “Of course I don’t.”

  “Then why did you take them out in the first place?”

  Drew shrugged. “They were hurting, that’s all.” He tossed the spare lenses into a beside drawer, flinging it shut. Then he stumbled out of the room, closing the door behind him and throwing everything into darkness. Sean didn’t mind, he liked the dark by now. But even so, he was glad that he wouldn’t have to go through the nights alone for much longer. He was fading faster and faster, and using up his energy making parts of himself solid only sped up the process. Would he even be around for another week? He wondered if after he faded out, Drew would just continue living his life. Maybe he would go to university, leave home, eventually fall in love with Ali and get married to her and have children. Strangely the idea did not make him angry anymore, just exhausted.

  Fifteen minutes became half an hour, before Drew returned to the room. He collapsed onto the bed and closed his eyes. He looked like he was in pain. “Hayden just got back,” he declared suddenly. “He’s downstairs right now, getting a lecture. He refused to look at me the whole time.”

  Sean stayed mute, uns
ure what to say. He was tempted to tell Drew what he had almost done in the library; that he had almost exposed their secret to his brother, but at the last moment he couldn’t go through with it. But in the end he didn’t say anything, for the same reason. He was a coward. And if he admitted it out loud, it would only solidify his weakness, turn that taunting voice in his head into something real.

  “What happened to make you drink?” he asked finally, to break the silence more than anything.

  “I doubt you’ll be happy to hear it,” Drew muttered to the ceiling. “You’ll have one of your hissy fits again, and I’ll have to deal with it.”

  “Sit up and look at me,” Sean ordered, exasperated. “And then I want you to tell me what you did.”

  Drew did so reluctantly, but those shadows were still in his eyes, clear even behind the contact lenses. Then he coughed and croaked: “You’ll probably hate me for it.”

  “And since when have you ever cared about that?”

  Drew brushed aside the question. “Do you really want to know?”

  “Yes.”

  He steeled himself, as if he was about to reveal something horrifying. “I kissed Ali today.”

  The tension in the room sky rocketed. It was deathly quiet, a quiet that rang loudly of shock and disbelief. Sean opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. He had not been expecting that. His mind struggled to comprehend, but the news just wasn’t sinking in. He tried to speak. “Huh?” was all he managed on his first try, the words sticking to the roof of his mouth like gum. His second attempt was more successful. “Why?”

  “I don’t know,” Drew ran a hand angrily through his hair. “I didn’t plan to. I never even thought about it, about her I mean. I just…she was there, and she was leaning in to brush something off my shoulder and I just did it. It came so naturally. I don’t get it.”

  “What was it like?”

  “Nice, I guess,” Drew looked sheepish. “I don’t really know how to describe it.”