Imprint Page 12

  There was a long silence, and then he looked up to try and discern the stranger in the limited light. The eyes, almost red, glinted in a strange way. “W-who are you?”

  That was where it stopped. Sean reeled back, barely holding back a gasp, and began to shake. He trembled, the strange images flashing through his head, unable to think clearly. Was the memory real? Had he really known Drew before the amnesia? He didn’t know. He didn’t understand. He felt like a blank whiteboard; wiped clean of everything, ready to be filled up with temporary information. He’d lived with that feeling for a long time after he first lost his memories.

  He continued to shake, well into the night until he didn’t even know why anymore. And once again, by morning all would be forgotten.

  “Did I ever know you, before you died?” Sean asked the next morning, on their way to school. He had a strange gut feeling, as if there was something tugging at the back of his mind but he couldn’t quite grasp it.

  Drew paused, confused. Shook his head. “Of course, amnesia, you don’t remember.”

  “Remember what?”

  “Nothing. We met a few times, but that was it. It’s not surprising considering we both lived in the same town.” Drew eyed him suspiciously. “Are parts of your memory returning?” he asked.

  Sean felt that nagging feeling again, but he still couldn’t pinpoint it. “No,” he replied uneasily.

  “Good.”

  “Wait, how do you know about my amnesia?” Sean asked, narrowing his eyes.

  Drew shrugged. “I watched you for a few months, remember? You go on about it enough. ‘Oh woe is me, I’m so depressed and broken inside because I can’t remember my past and therefore I have an excuse to be a general prat to everyone’ right? You can be such a girl, Sean.”

  Sean opened his mouth to defend himself, but then realised that Drew had apparently died some horrible, tragic death. Even he knew that he could not compete with Drew on the ‘who has the shittiest life’ scale. And ‘your mum’ would not be an appropriate comeback in this instance. “Yeah well, you’re more of a prat, you stole my body,” he eventually came out with.

  Drew just raised a rather condescending eyebrow. “I’m not even going to dignify that awful comeback with a response.”

  “Because you’re too stupid to come up with one?”

  “No, because I don’t want to catch stupidity from you. It’s contagious, you know.”

  Sean was about to make a witty and cutting remark about the size of Drew’s miniscule, microscopic brain, but a horn blasted and the school bus rumbled to a stop in front of them. He sighed. Perhaps he should spend his nights preparing for these banter sessions and come prepared next time. Drew would never know what hit him.

  For the rest of the day Sean followed Drew around the school, making occasional scathing comments even though he never expected a reply. It was too risky to be seen talking to an empty space, after all. Sean felt like he was slowly losing his identity, like Drew was stealing it from him and improving it. Ever since the cocky psychopathic freak had taken his place, he noticed that ‘his’ popularity had sky rocketed. Drew was the exact opposite of him; he was smart, witty and outgoing. Yet somehow, no one questioned this sudden personality change. Maybe they just figured he had been bipolar all this time.

  “I really like this new you,” Ali, the only person who mentioned the difference, would say at regular intervals. This time she had dragged Drew out onto the school field during free period, when it was practically deserted, to tell him this. “You seem so much more cheerful lately, it’s really great. You must have hit your head pretty hard during the accident.”

  “Or, maybe, it just opened my eyes,” he smiled.

  “To what, exactly?”

  “Well, that’s a secret.”

  She paused for a moment, and the playful grin decorating her face slowly faded into a frown. “You seem to have a lot of secrets lately,” she noted quietly. “Why don’t you tell me these things? I wish I could, but I can’t figure out everything by myself. Especially you.”

  “I’d tell you if I could,” Drew was obviously trying to sound reassuring. “If it was important I’d tell you, but it’s not. It has nothing to do with you, and you’d be better off not knowing.”

  She scowled. “I don’t care whether it’s important or not. You trust me, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Then tell me, because I want to understand.”

  “This isn’t something you need to be involved in.” It was stalemate for a moment. Ali tried glaring but Drew’s stubborn expression easily overpowered it. “Face it, Al, I’m not saying anything. And you’re terrible at glaring. Expressions like that just don’t suit you.” It was true, Sean thought to himself as he watched the exchange, her face was just too innocent to be capable of such a negative emotion. But then again, she was beginning to prove that maybe she wasn’t as innocent as he first thought.

  “I’m not giving up,” she suddenly declared, rather fiercely. “Maybe you think I’m just some little kid who can’t handle whatever the truth is, but I know that something’s going on…something that’s not normal.” She shuddered, looking away, and wrapped her arms around herself. “I want to know what it is.”

  Drew’s eyes were back to steely and serious again. “What makes you think that something’s going on?” he asked.

  “I…” she paused, unsure, but eventually continued in a hesitant voice. “I’ve been having these weird feelings recently. Like, I know it sounds stupid, but it’s like someone’s watching me.”

  “So you have a stalker?”

  “No! Not a stalker. I can’t explain it, but it’s like sometimes I just know that there’s this presence right beside me even though I can’t see it. The air feels cold, and it’s like someone’s trying to tell me something but they can’t get the message across.”

  “So you have a ghost stalker?”

  Her glare returned, maybe even sterner than before. “Sean, stop joking around about this dammit! I’m being serious, I’m scared.” She averted her eyes, blinking back tears. Drew took this chance to glower directly at Sean, his expression clearly saying ‘see what you’ve done?’

  “I didn’t mean to,” Sean muttered in defence. “I didn’t know she could sense me as well, it’s not like anyone else can.”

  Drew just shook his head in frustration before returning his attention to the girl beside him. “Hey, don’t be scared. Trust me, whatever it is it’s perfectly safe.” he nudged her arm and offered a comforting smile.

  “So you know what it is, then?” she asked suspiciously.

  “I didn’t say that. I just meant-”

  “It was the same for you, wasn’t it? Before the accident, you told me you were having weird dreams. That you were hallucinating.”

  “It was nothing. They’ve stopped now, just a lack of sleep.”

  Her expression was wary. “You’re lying to me again.” She bit her lip, as if she wanted to tell him something else, but decided not to at the last minute. “Do you believe me?” she asked abruptly.

  Drew nodded. “I do.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I believe you.”

  She hesitated for a long moment, and then seemed to deflate. “I guess I’ll just have to settle with that much for the time being. You don’t have to tell me right now. I’ll trust you, like I always do.”

  “I’m sure it’s nothing, maybe you’re just feeling a bit paranoid after-”

  “Yeah, I’m probably just going mad,” she deadpanned, not letting Drew finish his sentence. Then she let out a tired sigh and rested her head on his shoulder. Drew did not push her off like Sean had expected him to, instead he tentatively put an arm around her and there was a small, genuine smile on his face.

  “Guess we’re both pretty crazy, huh?” he said.

  She chuckled. “Yeah, I guess we are.”

  And, seeing them like that together, it made something inside Sean ache. It was like that da
y back at the beach. Maybe it was his non-existent heart, he really didn’t know. But whatever it was, it was a distinctly human emotion and it was this fact that reminded him of who he was. Or, who he had once been. Now Drew had become him, and he was no one. Even Ali and his brother, the people who he was closest to, preferred Drew. Was there even a point in trying to get his body back anymore?

  It was peaceful for a long while. In the school the bell for the next class rang, but it was a distant sound and school suddenly seemed like something very trivial and insignificant compared to everything that had happened to the three of them, Sean mused. School was only a small part of life, and life itself was pretty trivial because while life was temporary, death was apparently eternal. Who knew what happened to Imprints after they finally faded out. It was a question no one could answer unless they experienced it themselves.

  “Are you hungry?” Drew asked Ali suddenly. He reached into his school bag and took out a sandwich, breaking open the packaging. Ali, not looking at him, shook her head mutely. “I know you are,” Drew continued. “You’re holding your stomach.”

  She blushed slightly, quickly moving her arm away. “It’s nothing.”

  “It’s not nothing,” he said firmly. He held out the sandwich to her. “Eat. It’ll make you feel better.”

  “No thanks, I’m fine. Really.”

  He shook his head. “Now who’s the one keeping secrets?”

  “I just need to lose a little more weight,” she mumbled, not looking at him.

  “Al,” he tried. She still refused to meet his gaze. He gently tilted her chin up until their eyes met. “Ali. I know what you think, and I know what you’re doing, but it’s not true. I like you right now as you are, and I don’t want you to change.”

  “Do you think I’ve already changed?”

  He nodded. “You never used to care about silly things like this before-”

  “It’s not silly,” she tried, but he quickly cut her off.

  “You’re right, it’s not silly, it’s stupid. It won’t help you, it won’t make you happier.”

  “You sound like Liz,” she chuckled slightly.

  “She’s worried too, you know.”

  Ali nodded guiltily. “I know, but she shouldn’t worry. I’ve been a terrible friend to her, I just don’t know how to make things right again.”

  “You could start by apologizing. And then eating something.”

  “I thought you already knew, I’m dieting. I can’t.”

  Drew smirked, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. “You really put the ‘die’ back into ‘dieting’ you know.”

  She didn’t answer, looking away again, pointedly ignoring the sandwich. “We should go back in, we’re already late,” she said instead.

  “Not until you eat at least half this thing. We’ll share, okay?”

  She finally relented and turned back to face him, her eyes anguished as if screaming ‘please don’t make me do this’ but even Sean could tell that her body’s protests were winning out against her mind. “You won’t…think I’m disgusting, will you?” The question caused Sean that same, tingling ache again. For one wild moment, he wished more than anything that he was in Drew’s place so that he could help, instead of just watching and being utterly useless. It was like what had happened at the party all over again.

  “I would never think that,” Drew tried to sound calm, but there was an undertone of anger in his voice. Not directed at her though, Sean realised. “Just eat it, please.”

  She only hesitated for one more second before finally obliging and accepting the sandwich. A single tear tracked its way down her cheek as she ate, slowly and cautiously, until the whole thing was gone. Drew found a second sandwich and followed suit, trying to smile to reassure her.

  “I couldn’t have done that,” Sean said quietly when both sandwiches were gone. By now the strange and sudden ache had receded and a relieved calm filled its place instead, pooling throughout his empty thoughts. “I think you just helped her more than I ever did. Thank you.”

  A small, barely visible smile was the only indication that Drew had heard him.

  Chapter 12: City lights

  “So, tell me what it’s like here. You’ve lived here all your life, right?”

  “Yup. It’s pretty boring, really. Well I think it’s boring.”

  “So what do you find interesting, then?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That makes you sound like a pretty boring person, you know.”

  “I know. Most people generally stop talking to me around this point.”

  “That’s kind of sad.”

  “Not really. I’m used to it.”

  “I haven’t left yet, though. And I don’t think you’re a boring person to be honest.”

  “Why? You barely know me.”

  “I can just tell. I like you.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know why, I just do.”

  “So do you go around just ‘liking’ everyone who says hi back to you or something?”

  “Not everyone. I’m actually rather picky about who I choose to like.”

  “So then why choose me?”

  “I’ve already said haven’t I? You’re different, and I like it. Period.”

  “Okay. Am I expected to say ‘I like you’ back now or something?”

  “You don’t have to; I know I’m being a bit forward and all.”

  “Right, so I’m just stuck with you then?”

  “Well, if you put it that way, then yes.”

  That had been one of his first proper conversations with Ali, back when she had joined his school in year nine. He could suddenly remember that day very clearly; the glint of her braces in the sun, the dusting of freckles on her face, the way her eyes shone brightly. Always shone brightly. When had they stopped shining like that?

  She had pretty much forced friendship upon him. She followed him around, chatted continuously, and always wore that same smile. It had annoyed him to hell at first and so many times he wanted to tell her to just “piss off and get out of my life” but at the same time, he didn’t feel as lonely around her. And as annoying as she was, compared to loneliness she was by far the better option. Over time he got used to it, even liked her company, and she became part of his routine. Despite his barriers that had previously protected him from the world, she managed to get to him. It was inevitable that she would eventually, but back then the thought had terrified him. Another more recent memory surfaced, the way sodden cornflakes rose to the surface of milk.

  “It gets hard, sometimes,” he’d said. There was rain, drenching them. They’d both forgotten an umbrella that day. “Not being able to remember, I mean. I’m not even sure who I am, or who I used to be. It’s frustrating.”

  Then suddenly she was holding his hand and smiling sadly, eyes shining like they always were. “This is who you are, Sean. I know it’s hard, but just keep moving.”

  “Moving where?”

  “Forwards.”

  “How can I move forwards if I never started from anywhere?”

  “Then why don’t you start from here.”

  She’d always had a way with words. She knew what to say and when the person she was with needed to hear it. She had always been the strong one out of the two of them, not him. It was always her urging him to keep going, not the other way around. But that had been years ago. Since then, she’d changed. She’d lost some of her originality, something Sean suddenly missed dearly. He’d never imagined a situation where she would be the one needing help; the one needing to be told which way was forward. He had always relied on her definition of forward, and maybe even now he still did.

  It was a Sunday morning. Sean was oddly aware of this fact as he watched sunlight peek through the dusty curtains of his room, all bright and cheerful and intrusive. He remembered that Sundays were supposed to be special. Well, that’s what his mother would always say. And she was right. But both Hayden and him had silently agreed that i
t would not be very manly to admit it.

  His mother always cooked a huge feast of a breakfast on Sundays – heaps of pancakes, eggs, bacon. It was all very extravagant. She always made sure to not have a hangover on Sunday mornings. Hayden had said once that it was her way of apologising, for not acting like a mother the rest of the time. Something about pretending to be a normal family at least once a week. And while Sean thought it was all rather petty – this act of normalcy and happiness and serenity – he couldn’t help but crave it at the same time. He looked forward to Sundays. Because even though it was only for a few hours, even getting lost in the illusion was enough.

  By now Drew had gotten used to the Sunday routine. Sean watched as he got up with the alarm, put in contact lenses and traipsed downstairs in his pyjamas, trying to quell the jealousy that threatened to bubble to the surface. He couldn’t remember ever missing his old life as much as he did right now. Following Drew down, he stared wistfully at the fried eggs that Hayden was heaping onto his plate and the French toast that was his favourite.

  “Good morning,” his mother chirped from the frying pan, and for a moment Sean felt his heart jump, thinking that she was talking to him. But of course not, it was Drew, not him. Drew returned the greeting with a smile and sat down, rubbing at his eyes.

  “Wassa wong?” Hayden asked through a mouthful of bacon. “Got something in your eye?”

  Yeah. Contact lenses to cover up his true identity. “No, just tired.”

  “You’re always tired lately,” Hayden said, sounding suspicious. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

  “It’s none of your business,” Drew snapped.

  “Well played,” Sean drawled beside him, rolling his eyes. “You sound like even more of a prat than me.”

  Drew made no indication that he had heard, but Sean wasn’t surprised. At that moment their mother came and sat down at the table, smiling innocently. “Don’t be rude, boys,” she chastised.

  Hayden shrugged, sounding annoyed. “I was just trying to be nice. Won’t make that mistake again.”